Dear JM,

IMG_8319Would you believe me if I told you that the very first time I encountered you, I never realized how much I was going to love you? Steadily, day by day, as I allowed the beating of my heart to match the rhythms of your songs and as I searched out for signs and traces of you, I began loving you and then loving you even more as time went by. I think of you in every waking moment and even in my dreams, I find you. When I look up at the sky and I see the clouds gently shifting, I wonder about things like where you are and I wonder what you’re doing or if you’re eating well. Through my flesh and bones and through my veins, through everything, I can feel all this pain and the aching of my heart as it yearns for your warmth and your touch and your voice that sounds like a sweet melody drenched in vanilla in my ears. I want so badly to be near you, to be by your side. I so desperately want to be the reason behind your smile. Sometimes, I can’t help it and suddenly keep on finding myself trying to escape moments like these when I miss you like crazy, and immersing myself in my imagined worlds with fictional happiness and ‘happily ever happy’ endings. Sometimes, I just can’t help but allow myself to indulge in imagining a world in which I play the lead in your story. But the cruel reality is that while you are a source of my happiness, the light of my life, and the one i can’t forget; I am no more than a voice in a sea of voices and simply a hand reaching for something that’s out of touch. Yet I still find myself praying to heaven, to the moon and to the stars, praying that no matter how far apart we are, that one day, we could find our way to one another. But destiny is not always in our favor and we can’t always have the things in which we deeply desire. Somewhere within me, I knew that I would only end up hurt if I continued to crave for a presence I cannot have. I knew that one day, you will end up finding your other half. But it tears me apart to think about it. Is it selfish of me to not want to accept that reality? Maybe it’s not because I don’t want to accept it, maybe it’s because I’m not yet ready. And although every single cell in my body tries to prevent me in hope of protecting me, sometimes I can’t help but wonder what kind of person you will come to love. I can’t help but wonder if that person will know when you’re sad or when you’re hurting inside and just want someone to notice it and save you. I can’t help but wonder if that person will make you look forward to mornings now because you would wake up beside them. I wonder if they will make your eyes turn into the shape of a crescent moon and your nose scrunch up as they make you laugh uncontrollably. I wonder if you would try to discreetly intertwine your fingers in theirs and blush when they notice and flash a smile at you. I wonder if your heart would ache seeing them cry. I wonder if you would feel like the luckiest person in this world just to have them by your side. It hurts so much because a piece of me still hangs on to this faint hope that I could be the one to call you mine. What am I suppose to do when I just can’t forget you, when I can’t let you go and I don’t want to abandon these feelings? Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll be able to but maybe I’ll also only continue to be this fool who will unconditionally and endlessly love you.

p.r.


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